WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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