does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
