The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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