I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
