I got chris browned last night
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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