i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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