so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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