I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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