bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
