I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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