I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
