sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's just like the Real World with babies
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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