The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
