there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
