now i know why i became what i already was.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
