I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize