Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
