dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
