I need help removing her.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
