if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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