He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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