I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
