He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
