the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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