either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We are all done wearing pants today
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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