i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
