Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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