I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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