Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
