I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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