hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
