now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
