we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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