I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize