if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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