Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize