i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
