Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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