Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
