Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
