Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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