Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You can't special order awesome
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
