Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize