"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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