I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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