You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
