i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
