goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize