respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
