So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
