dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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