I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
