I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
