i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
