Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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