I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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