theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
