I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
