I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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