There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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