his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
