You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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