i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize