U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
