How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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