The best revenge is premature balding
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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