Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
