but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
