I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
