When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize