gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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