i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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