thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
