i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
