nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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