how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
