apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
